It Ain't the Big Things...

I have fantastic folks -- my parents have provided for me, cared for me, and loved me -- and I love them.  But last night was frustrating for both my dad and I...

Somehow, Dad is unable to see that I am needing something different from him... and while he is trying to gain space from his own worries and concerns for me and my little family of my own husband and kids, he cannot hear what I am saying, wanting, hoping for... he is so wrapped up in himself, that I just cease to exist, except as some object of his undying devotion and worry.

At 43 I am doing ok -- even though my husband is without a job at the moment, and the bills keep coming on, we are hanging in... and imagine, even happy! Yes, we have concerns, worries, even. We do think about the future -- retirement, kids in college, our own desires... but we are seeking to make good decisions in the now, and not be ruled by fear and panicked by things that we can only begin to affect in the moment.

My father says he wants to give us space, not interfere or enable us -- he is clear on financial boundaries and not intending to offer assistance... in the past he has been there in a crisis, and there have been a couple of times when we were grateful for his help.  But in the more recent past, we have not wanted/needed or asked.  Suddenly it is becoming a huge issue for him, and I don't know why.  I think it has to do with the fact that he wants to be sure my husband has the initiative to step up and be the real support of the family -- but I also think it is because he is suddenly facing his own concerns for my mom and him in retirement, with the whole economy in this recession...

The crazy thing is, that he cannot see that his being so wrapped up in concerns and worry robs him of precious moments that will never come back: priceless times that he squanders for the all too real dream of a "secure future".  He has planned for the future for much of his life, and he and my mom have resources to take them into the future in a manner that will be comfortable.  I know he wants us to do the same for ourselves -- but he had better times in which to prepare, and the same rules don't fully apply. It is simply not possible to do it like they did it... we need to find our own way.

For too long I have accepted his worry and concern, and not asked for what I really want: encouragement and hope.  He doesn't deal in that tender.  It isn't a currency that feels comfortable for him -- his own dad did not offer it to him with words, and his language is stunted.  My mom is a glass half empty kind of gal, and the two of them have no idea how to nurture me.  They never have.  I was hitch-hiking the USA at age 14 and left home at 18 and haven't looked back.  I moved away -- far away, and yet still try to maintain a relationship -- but it is hard.  Not because of the physical distance, but because of the very real distance in who we are.


I remember July 2nd, 1986 -- it was the day I became a Positive Person.  I was on my way to a Grateful Dead show in upstate New York, and we stopped for coffee at a rest area. The Optimist Club of Rye New York was at the booth, and at age 18 I looked at the 80 year old folks who were serving the coffee... and I realized that making a difference was a decision, and a series of small acts that touched the world.  I made my own conscious decision that day -- more of an outgrowth of who I was and who I wanted to be.

I want to be that positive person for me, for my family, for my Dad, even.  He can't seem to hear me, and when I ask him to be a cheerleader for me, he views that as an attack... somehow denying all that he has done for me and some way of telling him that he is not good enough.  He doesn't seem to get that the request is not about him, but rather about me and what I need to fuel my personal health and growth.

I am not asking for pie-in-the-sky optimism that ignores the real need for work and attention to the icky stuff in life -- but it is so much easier to tackle the tough stuff with the support of encouragement and hope. Confidence that we can make those tough decisions. Belief that we are moving in the right direction.  My Dad is so caught up in his own worries and decisions that he cannot open himself to asking and listening, encouraging and managing the worries and fears that we all have.  I don't want to push him away, I want to have a healthy relationship and to share the joys and successes along with the worries and fears.

It is too bad... it isn't the big stuff that makes the difference, it is the days of our lives. And while he can worry all he wants, it doesn't help and it robs us of now.

We are doing great here at Writer's Wood -- and moving in a great direction. Sure we have worries and concerns -- but we are meeting them with hope and optimism, and moving forward in a timely fashion. There is nothing to prove here, but I sure wish that my Dad could enjoy life with us. I am sure that some of you out there understand... right?