It Ain't the Big Things...

I have fantastic folks -- my parents have provided for me, cared for me, and loved me -- and I love them.  But last night was frustrating for both my dad and I...

Somehow, Dad is unable to see that I am needing something different from him... and while he is trying to gain space from his own worries and concerns for me and my little family of my own husband and kids, he cannot hear what I am saying, wanting, hoping for... he is so wrapped up in himself, that I just cease to exist, except as some object of his undying devotion and worry.

At 43 I am doing ok -- even though my husband is without a job at the moment, and the bills keep coming on, we are hanging in... and imagine, even happy! Yes, we have concerns, worries, even. We do think about the future -- retirement, kids in college, our own desires... but we are seeking to make good decisions in the now, and not be ruled by fear and panicked by things that we can only begin to affect in the moment.

My father says he wants to give us space, not interfere or enable us -- he is clear on financial boundaries and not intending to offer assistance... in the past he has been there in a crisis, and there have been a couple of times when we were grateful for his help.  But in the more recent past, we have not wanted/needed or asked.  Suddenly it is becoming a huge issue for him, and I don't know why.  I think it has to do with the fact that he wants to be sure my husband has the initiative to step up and be the real support of the family -- but I also think it is because he is suddenly facing his own concerns for my mom and him in retirement, with the whole economy in this recession...

The crazy thing is, that he cannot see that his being so wrapped up in concerns and worry robs him of precious moments that will never come back: priceless times that he squanders for the all too real dream of a "secure future".  He has planned for the future for much of his life, and he and my mom have resources to take them into the future in a manner that will be comfortable.  I know he wants us to do the same for ourselves -- but he had better times in which to prepare, and the same rules don't fully apply. It is simply not possible to do it like they did it... we need to find our own way.

For too long I have accepted his worry and concern, and not asked for what I really want: encouragement and hope.  He doesn't deal in that tender.  It isn't a currency that feels comfortable for him -- his own dad did not offer it to him with words, and his language is stunted.  My mom is a glass half empty kind of gal, and the two of them have no idea how to nurture me.  They never have.  I was hitch-hiking the USA at age 14 and left home at 18 and haven't looked back.  I moved away -- far away, and yet still try to maintain a relationship -- but it is hard.  Not because of the physical distance, but because of the very real distance in who we are.


I remember July 2nd, 1986 -- it was the day I became a Positive Person.  I was on my way to a Grateful Dead show in upstate New York, and we stopped for coffee at a rest area. The Optimist Club of Rye New York was at the booth, and at age 18 I looked at the 80 year old folks who were serving the coffee... and I realized that making a difference was a decision, and a series of small acts that touched the world.  I made my own conscious decision that day -- more of an outgrowth of who I was and who I wanted to be.

I want to be that positive person for me, for my family, for my Dad, even.  He can't seem to hear me, and when I ask him to be a cheerleader for me, he views that as an attack... somehow denying all that he has done for me and some way of telling him that he is not good enough.  He doesn't seem to get that the request is not about him, but rather about me and what I need to fuel my personal health and growth.

I am not asking for pie-in-the-sky optimism that ignores the real need for work and attention to the icky stuff in life -- but it is so much easier to tackle the tough stuff with the support of encouragement and hope. Confidence that we can make those tough decisions. Belief that we are moving in the right direction.  My Dad is so caught up in his own worries and decisions that he cannot open himself to asking and listening, encouraging and managing the worries and fears that we all have.  I don't want to push him away, I want to have a healthy relationship and to share the joys and successes along with the worries and fears.

It is too bad... it isn't the big stuff that makes the difference, it is the days of our lives. And while he can worry all he wants, it doesn't help and it robs us of now.

We are doing great here at Writer's Wood -- and moving in a great direction. Sure we have worries and concerns -- but we are meeting them with hope and optimism, and moving forward in a timely fashion. There is nothing to prove here, but I sure wish that my Dad could enjoy life with us. I am sure that some of you out there understand... right?

Reinventing Writer's Wood

So I have been on a huge decluttering and improving thing for a while now. I am coming to some conclusions: parting with stuff sometimes takes time -- maybe it is a scarcity thing or something, but letting go can be tough.

In truth, I want clarity so much more than clutter. There is such a cost for having stuff... and my laziness is a huge part of it. Mostly I am noticing how much stuff requires you to take care of it and order it... dust it, keep it in order...

My latest thing is that my dish drying rack is a clutter hound. It makes my counter continually cluttered. I am considering retiring it. My Mother-In-Law doesn't keep one... she uses the dishwasher continuously, and puts things up right away after washing by hand. I am liking that.

Aside from getting rid of stuff, I am looking for ways to clear surfaces and bust clutter. If anyone reads this: I want YOUR tips for doing this, too!

Momentous Day -- #2

Well, you read it here first: Daughter #1 lost her second tooth this morning!

As opposed to the first tooth, this one bled a bit -- scaring her a little, and she mentioned she was chewing gum and almost swallowed the tooth... but she is proudly wearing it in her tooth necklace (taped shut) and I know she is excited for the Tooth Fairy to visit.

The Tooth Fairy is pretty generous with her -- she gets $1 plus a quarter for each year she is old... so she is excited to save for a toy. I am so glad that it is out! It was hanging by a thread, and Daddy just wanted to yank on it ;^)* I just didn't want her to misplace it or swallow it because I hate those disappointed tears. Thankfully, she didn't!

I am very stressed as of late: my DH is working on contract in a new field for him, and we are doing better than we were on unemployment, but I am concerned because there are no health benefits with the job, and I am not sure long-term what is going to happen with the benefits we are on. I am sure that so many Americans are in the position that we are in that it is giving me great solace and a huge amount of humility in being in our situation. I find myself praying a lot.

We are keeping things simple around here -- or trying to -- but life does get complicated. I am working to transform my house (hard to deal with the possessions and clutter of 4 people who love STUFF), my own career/work (technical writing and application development for mobile devices), and supporting my husband's work and interests... and then I have a friend who is going through a transition and I am trying to find my place within that. And it is all harder than it sounds. Oh, and top that off with huge transformation around diet and eating -- and well, I am not at my best game right now!

Sigh.

Bloggging though -- gotta do more of that. Why? Dunno. Writing is good for me. This is a diary, I guess -- but with the ability for folks to see it and post comments. Maybe someone will. Anyway -- I am just happy for my little one -- a bit sorry for me at the moment, and wanting more fun. Anyone else in the same position? Type a comment and share, please!

Foods that I am afraid of -- and one that just jumped off the list

Hey all -- you ever have foods you are "afraid of"?

I feel like my six year old when I type that -- but it's true!

I am afraid of kombucha mushrooms (slimey, YUCK!) and soymilk (don't tell my elder daughter who can't handle cow's milk and has to drink it...) and escargot and okra...

But Quinoa just fell off the list!
Quinoa 101

It really does taste good -- and I am using it in place of wheat bulgar in tabouleh -- wonderful!

You see, I am in a class by Kathy Abscal about eating to reduce inflammation. Who knows if it will really work with me (I am not "perfect" at following all the rules) but I am very much enjoying eating consciously! And I am finding things that I like that are higher in nutrition than the things that I was eating before.

There is a big push for green leafy veggies on this eating plan -- and a concept/consciousness of proportional eating, which makes it really tough for me. However, I see this as a "long haul" type of change, so I am trying not to beat myself up over taking things slowly, messing up, and adapting to the change in my own way.

Just glad to have one less food that I am "afraid" of!

Enjoying some Crafting time with my Kiddo

Y'ever think -- man, this is IT?
My elder daughter -- the one in the photo, with the missing tooth -- is now crafting with me. She is working on cards and beading a necklace to send to her cousin... wow. The little one is asleep on the couch, in an early and spontaneous nap -- and we are just having fun.

Amazing.

There are still many days of just running around doing things for them, wiping noses and butts, but this is a Good Day.

I have much other work to do starting tomorrow -- and I did clear my plate of lots of nagging issues, like packages that needed to be mailed, and spreadsheets that needed to be looked at and dealt with, but today is just a wonderful respite. Mondays CAN be a healing time... this one is lookin' pretty darned good :^)

Momentous Day

Daughter #1 lost her first tooth.

She lost it at school this morning, and they gave her a cool little tooth-box necklace -- very smartly taped shut. Upon her coming home, there was lots of exploration of the tooth -- then right before bedtime she leaned over the sink in the bathroom to brush her teeth, and noted that the box was open and the tooth was gone! She was SURE it went down the sink... dutifully, we took the sink apart -- no luck.

No water had been run. I began to suspect that the tooth had NOT gone down the sink.

Good news -- tooth found on the dining table! She must have put it there just after this photo shoot, before she went to brush her teeth.

But, I did get to have a good conversation about it NOT being the old, little tooth that was important... the tooth fairy comes to bless the NEW, BIG TOOTH! (Yes, it is already there -- in fact, both big front lower teeth seem to be coming in pretty far back there... in the photo you can see the hole in the front, and the new tooth there already.)

Still, the little gal wanted the MONEY that the tooth fairy is going to leave. Oy, the tears, the turmoil, the joy!

To be a parent... it is one of the toughest jobs I will ever love.

Let's Face It: I Need an Outlet!

It's come to this. I am in need of a place to post thoughts -- more publicly, and get some feedback, if anyone is listening.

Who am I? You might ask... well, you can read the brief bio posted to the right -- but more likely, you will find answers as you read. I have another blog, for card-making and crafting -- at http://inkingitup.blogspot.com so if you like to see about the things I make, you can look there.

This is the spot where I will talk more about me -- my thoughts, philosophy, and what I am doing. I am doing this here, rather than over on FaceBook, because on FaceBook we are not sure who owns what at this time: here, I know I own what is written here. So -- read the copyright info -- this is not to be lifted for personal use, without my express permission ;^)* So DO type to me, if you like any of the words or thoughts that I am publishing here. Thanks.

So -- here goes: One Woman's Press is going into the world of Blogs. Let's see where we end up.